Childhood Phobias

Sleep has been rather elusive in my life lately. Specifically, I don't think I've gotten consistent, solid sleep since February 26, 2006, the date of my positive pregnancy test. Strangely enough, that is also my ex-boyfriend's birthday as well as the date (in 2009) when I received this job offer. Bizarre.

Anyway, the problem is, Parker is (and has always been) a poor sleeper. But you know what? I don't and can't blame Parker for being a bad sleeper because I was a notoriously bad sleeper. I think I was probably 7 or 8 before I consistently stayed in my bed and went to sleep on my own.

As a result, I clearly remember what if feels like to wake up and be alone. And to be afraid. I'm not sure exactly what I was afraid of. Was it a fear of the dark? A fear that my parents wouldn't hear me if aliens decided to abduct me? Or possibly a fear that my brother was lying in wait in my closet until the exact moment that sleep took me before he sprung out to scare the bejesus out of me? While those are all possibilities, the reason didn't really matter. I just remember the fear.

As such, I simply cannot let Parker cry out for me in the night without going in there. I mean, it's not like he's going to need me forever. In fact, in approximately 10 years, I'm going to have to drop him off 3 blocks from school so that he won't be seen with his very uncool mom. I know these things are coming, so for now, I'm chronically sleep deprived so that my little boy can feel safe for just a little while longer.

I also don't buy the argument that I'm making him needy and dependent by responding to his needs. He's just a little boy. He's allowed to need his parents. If he didn't, 3 would be the age of majority and not 18. Besides, my parents held my hand when I needed it and I'm clearly independent and just a bit headstrong. Okay, a lot headstrong. Regardless, I don't think that I was screwed up in that particular department.

Now please excuse me while I go hook myself up to a pot of coffee. Oh, who am I kidding, I'm just going to dip into my canister of NesCafe for the 4th time today.