The Fabric Eater

Thus far in our zoo, we've established that Chewie eats poop, Parker eats boogers and the Irishman eats fake, processed meats. Well, what I haven't shared with you is that Payton the Bionic Cat eats fabric. And strings. And pretty much anything that he can chew and swallow. In case you're wondering, he's 11 years old and he's been like this from the day I brought him home from the shelter. It defies logic.

I mean, what could really be so incredibly appetizing about eating fabric? The fact of the matter is that Payton is a glutton. When we have company over, I have to prompt them to please hang up their coats and cardigans in the coat closet so that they don't leave my house missing the collar of their garment like my father did a couple of Christmases ago. In fact, our house is immaculately clean for the simple reason that if we leave things out, Payton will eat them.

Case in point - a couple of days ago, Parker came up to me and said, "Mommy, I'm so frustrated!" When I inquired as to what was the matter, he produced his yo-yo and pointed out that it was missing the string. All 3 feel of the thin white string had vanished. I made a mad dash for his room to look to see whether any evidence remained and I came up empty handed.

Crap. Crapity crap crap. Payton ate it.

So, we're now on day three of "Payton Watch," which consists of looking for vomit, sifting through the litter box and pressing on Payton's stomach to see if it causes any discomfort. We're accustomed to this process since the fabic eating (and passing) is a monthly occurrence. Take, for example, this shirt that I put on last week.

I felt a slight draft a couple of minutes later and looked down to see the gaping hole. I have no idea how Payton even had a chance to eat it since he's not allowed in our bedroom, but alas, clearly he found a way. I don't even have the energy to get angry anymore when I find a piece of damaged clothing. I just remind everyone in the house that Payton is "special" and precautions need to be taken. Besides, he's old and his cloth eating days are limited. Even with all of his shortcomings (gluttony, a tendency to pass gas when he's sitting on you...), I'll miss the little bugger.